I Am A Fighter!

I can't believe it's been a year since I last wrote.  It's sad, because once again I let my love for writing go by the wayside.  I wont lie though, I got somewhat lost again and have been struggling with pretty heavy things this past year.  In the midst of trying not to lose myself entirely, I was battling some pretty dark demons while trying to keep a smile on my face and not lose the person that I have been fighting so hard to become...I didn't want to lose the passion that I've talked so much about; I couldn't lose "that girl" who's soul had been set on fire.  So that's why I'm here...again;  because I am a fighter, and I've dealt with some pretty hard things and made some pretty terrible mistakes, but I will not let those things define me.  I will not back down and I'm not giving up.  I will rise like a Phoenix from the ashes, and come out stronger than I have ever been..because I AM a FIGHTER.

If there is one thing I'm completely sure of, it's that I am without a doubt a fighter by nature.  I'm a strong person and I do not give up easily.  I will fight until my knuckles are bleeding for the things that I believe in and for the people I love.  I will fight with everything I've got, which I've found, for me, can sometimes be a blessing and a curse.  This summer things in my life got really dark.  I had already traveled down a pretty dark road, mistakes had been made, things that couldn't be taken back and been done, and all I wanted to do was rewind my life; preferably to when I was 17, as long as I could take all my new found knowledge with me!  In all seriousness though,  things were heavy, and I wasn't seeing much light at the end of a dark tunnel.  In recent months, after A LOT of counseling and self reflection, I was unloading on a very patient friend and finally had the "ah-ha moment" I'd been waiting for.  I finally realized that somewhere along my journey I stopped fighting for something that was really important; I had been fighting for things that I couldn't change, things that were entirely out of my control, and  I had forgot that there was someone else worth fighting for...me.

I'm not a person that likes to dwell on or the "what I've been through" or "my side of the story" or the the "shoulda, coulda, woulda's," because everyone has those moments in their life that they aren't proud of, or that they could justify; And #realtalk: sometimes life is just ugly and messy and there is plenty that we just wish we could omit; but that isn't what makes up our entire story, although in all honesty, sometimes it's the ugly things that end up making our story beautiful!  Maybe one day I will share more of "my story" here with you guys, but now isn't the time, and I'm not sure there ever will be a time; but I will tell you this...every single one of those moments, the good, the bad and the ugly, they are my moments. They have shaped me into the woman that is writing this entry.  The woman who holds her head up high and knows that she can do hard things.  The woman who not only fights for what she loves, but also the woman who fights for herself,  and knows that she is worth fighting for because she is valuable, and special,  and lovable despite the ugly scars that only she might see.

I think sometimes, especially women (not that any men are being excluded!), we fight our hearts out for the things that are important to us. We walk the line for everyone else, but we can tend to forget that we are important too. We forget that we are valuable, and we get discouraged; we can become lost because we feel like no one is fighting for us and we might start to feel like we aren't worth fighting for. This is a feeling I became all too familiar with for a long time; and I think that is why I've found myself here tonight writing this entry.  I don't want to be there again, losing the fight for myself.  So really this serves as a reminder; and if you're reading this, I hope that it serves as a reminder for you too, wherever you might be on your own journey,  that YOU are valuable, and special, and that YOU ARE worth fighting for, even if it means you have to fight for yourself!  In a way it might sound a little selfish. It's not.  Sometimes it's completely necessary in order for your soul to survive.  Fighting for yourself doesn't mean you've given up the fight for everything else;  it means that you are strong and brave; because let me tell you it takes a hell of a lot of courage to fight for yourself and for what you finally deserve!

So hold your head high baby girl....because YOU are a FIGHTER!

Just The Beginning

It took me forever to push "publish" on this post...normally I'm not one to publicly talk about my body "struggles".  Over the years, I feel like I've been on this "healthy lifestyle" journey and a constant battle with my body image for a LOOOOOONG time, and maybe, just maybe,  if I document some parts of this journey I might actually have to be held accountable for once. After all I'm putting this stuff on the internet and into the universe now...for all to see...kinda scary.

Let me start by saying I AM NOT a "fitness expert" or an "aspiring fitness competitor" or any type of qualified individual when it comes to the subject matter. I'm just a regular woman who needed to take back control and get on track again.  FOR ME!!  To feel better about myself and to reclaim my confidence.  I feel like it's just one small part of this journey to "self discovery" that I feel like I've been on this past year!

Over the last few years I've fell on and off the "healthy lifestyle" wagon a number of times. Can I see a raise of hands?  However in the last year I've somehow lost quite a few L.B's...so I can't complain too much.  How did I do it?  Well I really am not 100% sure, I'm almost positive it's been somewhat stress related, which isn't great...but, I'm going to be real here.  Aside from everyday life stresses, I think that I stopped stressing about numbers, and the scale and started really trying to make more conscious choices along with listening to my body, decisions that made me happy.  I've worked at becoming aware of my body and what I require, or to maybe skip on some things when I really don't need them, and maybe just wait until the weekend ;) I can have a tendency to over-indulge, but I'm definitely not one who can count calories and keep track of all that mess.  I go crazy over details and being perfect to the point where eventually I just give up.  It doesn't work for me.  To be honest I haven't sacrificed too much in terms of what I eat, but I think I've finally found a balance in my life where for me moderation is key,  and hey I'll be the first to admit that I have a serious love affair with eating out and red wine!

Don't I just look SO sad!?

On a side note...these pictures where taken around the same time at the above picture, when I was feeling pretty  yucky about my body image...but I have to say it was just what I needed to kick start my self confidence again!  When I saw these pictures, with very little re-touching, it did something for my self esteem that I really needed... extra L.B.'s and all...I can say I think this May have been a starting point for me although I may have not even realized it yet.  

So anyway, now that you have all seen my lovely pictures....

After I graduated college this past March I found myself bored, with ample amounts of "free time" that I didn't know what to do with.  I needed something to occupy my spare time, especially since Jeremy was getting ready to deploy.  Again.  I'm not one for crafting or any of that, but I remembered  the countless times I would tell myself that after I graduated college I had no more excuses; gone where the days of late night homework sessions after working a 10 hour day, I needed to make it happen.   I needed to be active and I had to do something, so I made good on my word with myself and finally joined a gym after putting it off for about 2 months.  So step 1 of this "healthy lifestyle" venture was complete.  Now I just had to get myself there.   I haven't always loved working out,  but rewind two years, and I found myself gym-ing it on a regular basis with my girlfriend and falling in love with weight training.  But as it often goes, life got in the way and I found myself falling out of a routine, moving across the world and settling into a new life once again, and packing on the pounds. It's life folks.  It happens.  And guess what?  It's OK!!!  I've found myself recently having to really learn that you can fall down, but what really matters is that you pick yourself back up.  No matter how many times you have to; something we should apply in all aspects in life really.  But now that I'm back at it, I'm falling in love with it again, and loving my new found strength, that I only hope will only continue to grow; both internally and externally (cliche I know!).

Still working on my progress, but so proud of how far I've come.

Aside from graduating and having the free time available, I think that I had lost my identity a little bit. Being bogged down with homework for the past 7 years, and going through some things in my personal life really had me in a place that I didn't like, and I finally think I just reached a point where I had to start feeling better about myself. Not for anyone else, not because the media says I need to be a size negative 15, but because I needed to start focusing on me and what makes me happy.  I needed to be a little selfish!  I think that women especially tend to forget that we are important too; we spend so much time focusing on other people, doing a good job at work, and running a house, that we tend to forget that it's ok to be a little selfish sometimes!  I've always been one to put on my makeup and try my best regardless of my size,  but I needed to feel better in my skin, more comfortable, more me. For me it's not really about the numbers on the scale (which is why I haven't mentioned my "number" in any of these pictures!).  It's about how I feel in my clothes, and being comfortable in a form fitting dress, a neon yellow romper or a pair of cut off shorts even if my legs aren't super ripped like Carrie Underwood...a girl can dream though!

So where am I going with this long drawn out post?  I guess what I'm trying to say in this novel of a post, is that maybe if you're in a place where you feel like you have given up, or that doing your best just isn't good enough anymore, or you're at a loss, then you aren't alone. We have ALL been there at some point, and from time to time we might find ourselves there again!  I just hope that maybe through my own journey, wherever it might take me, that I might be able to inspire you a little.  After all, I'm just a regular everyday woman too.  So regardless of what you might think of this post, I will tell you if there is one thing I want you to take away from this post it's this...

Love you guys.  I'm always here if you need me.

-Lexi