Friday, 30 October 2015

I Am A Fighter!

I can't believe it's been a year since I last wrote.  It's sad, because once again I let my love for writing go by the wayside.  I wont lie though, I got somewhat lost again and have been struggling with pretty heavy things this past year.  In the midst of trying not to lose myself entirely, I was battling some pretty dark demons while trying to keep a smile on my face and not lose the person that I have been fighting so hard to become...I didn't want to lose the passion that I've talked so much about; I couldn't lose "that girl" who's soul had been set on fire.  So that's why I'm here...again;  because I am a fighter, and I've dealt with some pretty hard things and made some pretty terrible mistakes, but I will not let those things define me.  I will not back down and I'm not giving up.  I will rise like a Phoenix from the ashes, and come out stronger than I have ever been..because I AM a FIGHTER.

If there is one thing I'm completely sure of, it's that I am without a doubt a fighter by nature.  I'm a strong person and I do not give up easily.  I will fight until my knuckles are bleeding for the things that I believe in and for the people I love.  I will fight with everything I've got, which I've found, for me, can sometimes be a blessing and a curse.  This summer things in my life got really dark.  I had already traveled down a pretty dark road, mistakes had been made, things that couldn't be taken back and been done, and all I wanted to do was rewind my life; preferably to when I was 17, as long as I could take all my new found knowledge with me!  In all seriousness though,  things were heavy, and I wasn't seeing much light at the end of a dark tunnel.  In recent months, after A LOT of counseling and self reflection, I was unloading on a very patient friend and finally had the "ah-ha moment" I'd been waiting for.  I finally realized that somewhere along my journey I stopped fighting for something that was really important; I had been fighting for things that I couldn't change, things that were entirely out of my control, and  I had forgot that there was someone else worth fighting

I'm not a person that likes to dwell on or the "what I've been through" or "my side of the story" or the the "shoulda, coulda, woulda's," because everyone has those moments in their life that they aren't proud of, or that they could justify; And #realtalk: sometimes life is just ugly and messy and there is plenty that we just wish we could omit; but that isn't what makes up our entire story, although in all honesty, sometimes it's the ugly things that end up making our story beautiful!  Maybe one day I will share more of "my story" here with you guys, but now isn't the time, and I'm not sure there ever will be a time; but I will tell you this...every single one of those moments, the good, the bad and the ugly, they are my moments. They have shaped me into the woman that is writing this entry.  The woman who holds her head up high and knows that she can do hard things.  The woman who not only fights for what she loves, but also the woman who fights for herself,  and knows that she is worth fighting for because she is valuable, and special,  and lovable despite the ugly scars that only she might see.

I think sometimes, especially women (not that any men are being excluded!), we fight our hearts out for the things that are important to us. We walk the line for everyone else, but we can tend to forget that we are important too. We forget that we are valuable, and we get discouraged; we can become lost because we feel like no one is fighting for us and we might start to feel like we aren't worth fighting for. This is a feeling I became all too familiar with for a long time; and I think that is why I've found myself here tonight writing this entry.  I don't want to be there again, losing the fight for myself.  So really this serves as a reminder; and if you're reading this, I hope that it serves as a reminder for you too, wherever you might be on your own journey,  that YOU are valuable, and special, and that YOU ARE worth fighting for, even if it means you have to fight for yourself!  In a way it might sound a little selfish. It's not.  Sometimes it's completely necessary in order for your soul to survive.  Fighting for yourself doesn't mean you've given up the fight for everything else;  it means that you are strong and brave; because let me tell you it takes a hell of a lot of courage to fight for yourself and for what you finally deserve!

So hold your head high baby girl....because YOU are a FIGHTER!